22. It’s been emotional!  

Who knows how any of us will react when we hit one of life’s road blocks. All we know is none of us is going to sail through life without at least a couple of bumps in the road. As I finish my chemo cycle, which right now has left me feeling pretty 💩, and await my scan 🤞🤞🤞, I am thinking of all the things that I have come to appreciate through this whole Cancer crap…..

Life isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful

Life can be tough at times, but so am I and so are you

You don’t have to be perfect to be strong and happy

You are stronger than you realise you are

Be the reason someone smiles; be kind

I long for my relationship with Cancer to end, but the lyrics of Hotel California by The Eagles, ring in my ears.

Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. ‘Relax’ said the night man, We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!’

This is because I have 5 years ahead of me of scans, scares and hope, to get to the amazing finish line of NED. No Evidence of Disease. That is the end point we all hope for and sadly and heartbreakingly, not all, are able to get to. 

Over the next five years, if all goes to plan, I will get 6 monthly scans for the first two years, then yearly after that, alongside yearly colonoscopy’s till I reach the 5 year mark. If all doesn’t go to plan, then I will just have to deal with that if it happens. 

I saw the below the other day on Pinterest and, I have to admit, I like a little bit of star sign fluff. I am Sagittarius, it made me chuckle. I think I am definitely optimistic, but not necessarily indifferent! I think cancer has made me a bit soft, I keep telling everyone that I love them! 😂

This is because this year has been life changing. It has taken away and given, in the most bizarre, heartbreaking and amazing way. It has been raw and dark and painful and scary. However it has also been a year of love and honesty and strength and hope. That is why the lyrics ‘You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!’ Ring in my ears so clearly, for the reasons below. 

  1. Cancer doesn’t just go away. It goes into remission, and you have to wait and see if it awakens. It doesn’t let u just check out and walk away. 
  2. Cancer changes you. Like anything major that happens in life, it leaves its mark, both good and bad. You can’t go back to what and where you were before it all started. 

So with all the above rocking around in my head, I take all of the strength that I have found within myself, take a deep breadth and step into the next stage….. 

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