20. Hairy armpits anyone? 

Sam asked me the other day why it is ok that daddy has hairy armpits and hairy legs   and I have to shave mine.

I was a bit stumped how to answer this. In the quick moment that passed, I said “I liked to do it because it makes me feel nice. Women don’t have to do it, and not all do, but I like to.” He was happy with this response, thank god, and ran off to have some hot chocolate with his partner in crime, Oliver.

It got me thinking, how we choose to present ourselves to the world reflects who we are on the inside. E.g I like a rule, and don’t like to stand out too much, one of the physical manifestations of this is, I shave my armpits! Cancer can be so cruel that it can physically really effect you. Meaning you loose the ability to manage this! I was so lucky that I didn’t loose my hair, or loose / gain weight etc… I could still feel like me, and the reflection in the mirror didn’t change. I Could match how my outside self looks with my inside self. It would have been so much tougher if this had not been the case. A reality for so many cancer patients.

With this in mind, and as the end of my treatment comes ever closer (well the end of Capceptabine chemo anyway!) I am thinking about how Bowel Cancer a.k.a SID has changed me on the inside.

Surprisingly it has given as many positives as negatives. Let’s get the negatives out the way. Cancer is a killer, it is different for everyone, so no control or clarity on how to treat it. It is something they never tell you that you are cured from. It brings uncertainty, fear, sadness. For the lucky cancer patients, years of follow ups and treatment and possible reoccurrence, and for the unlucky cancer patients, the loss of life.

Quickly moving on to the positives. It makes you love life. It makes the sun shine brighter, the air smell fresher, the humdrum of the everyday, magical. It makes you hug everyone more often, get in contact with everyone you love, and tell them you love them. It makes you smile and laugh and appreciate your life. It makes you grateful and thankful for the life you have lived, and focus on how to be a nicer, kinder, better person if you get to stay around.

So SID literally took out a lot of my insides, but he didn’t take anything I can’t live without. His presence, I hope, has made me a kinder, more patient person who is more appreciative and thankful.

SID, I wish u hadn’t come along, but I think, you have probably done me some good. So to move forward, I will keep a few quotes in my mind to see where it takes me…. maybe to hairy armpits 🤣

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